TRIGGER WARNING; suicidal ideation!

Hi,

I wasn’t going to write a letter, but then I figured, if I didn’t…it would leave too much room for speculations. I know you would probably think this was your fault, you should have seen the signs. But, how could you? Not even I saw this coming. So, don’t blame yourself, if that’s even an option. Grief is a funny thing, we carry it around thinking it will help fill the void. In reality, this has nothing to do with any of you.

As, I am sitting here, writing this letter I can’t help but wonder “Will anyone even care? Are people going to cry?”, it seems almost silly to think that my existence has touched or made impression on anyone.

Is my husband going to be upset, angry…how will he feel? And what about my father, my brother and sister? Family and friends?

In my head, I am imagining this dramatic scenario of everyone finding out, someone breaking the news. What will that look like?!

And, it takes me back to that day when the nurses from an ICU called my father at 4 o’clock in the morning to tell him his wife, my mother died. When I heard the phone ringing, I already knew…my father knew. There were no tears, just silent resignation in our faces. Maybe it was the shock of finding out, the brain instantly switching gears into denial, I don’t know. I’ll never know.

So, yes…I do ponder…will you mourn my death?! Will any of you miss me? How will you cope? Will you miss talking to me? Some of you didn’t even talk to me while I was here. I know, we all get busy, life happens.

“Oh, I should call, it’s been a while”, but then we never do. Life is funny like that.

Still, I am not laughing, not even crying. I am content. This might be the first time in my life I feel certain I am making the right decision.

I am tired, so tired of this place. There is nothing but hurt and pain in the world…with pinch of joy sprinkled over the top. And sprinkle is not enough! I am excited, excited to find out what comes next…once this razor cuts through my skin. Death doesn’t scare me, it’s so familiar. And you might say “So selfish!”. Sure, maybe a little bit.

Either way, once I put this pen down, that’s it. Maybe you’ll find out the same day, maybe the day after that. Whenever, however the news comes to you…just know, I was happy in this moment and I am sorry, but I know you’ll be fine. I know, because you are stronger than me.

…bye

Disclaimer: I don’t have suicidal thoughts. If you do, help is available.

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