i sit at your spot at the table and i think do i want to be you or do i just miss you,

mom says i’m turning into you,

i think it's just me trying to fill the space.

i take naps in your bed and read books on your carpet and pretend you're in the room down the hall;

i look at the couch you played video games on and i sit there and stare at the wall;

i leave bottles of water around the house like how you scattered your half empty cups,

hey big brother, dad doesn’t miss you, you’re one less plate to clean up

i sit in your spot at the dinner table and i make the same luck as you

and i like the same stuff as you and i laugh at the same things as you,

i wear your clothes i borrow your books i use your vanity sink,

and i still close your bedroom door so i can pretend you're still in there when i go to sleep,

i feed the dog now i do the laundry now and i turn off all the lights like when it was all up to you

my pill bottle replaced yours on the dinner table, and i see i take the same dosage you used to.

on the first day i had to meet my team i used your fencing bag because i couldn't get a new gear bag in time

your socks still show up in my laundry, and the pockets of your jeans are still riddled with dimes

i still read your notes on the blackboard

you still have all the toys we played with as kids in your drawer beneath your bed

sitting in front of an empty chair, i still whisper to myself all alone upstairs

it’s how i told you about things without talking to you

and i always believed you listened

mom doesn't buy gum anymore

nobody chews it

i see you every week but only for an hour

i went looking for photos where you were smiling a real smile

but brother i only found two

i wish you could have been my big brother a little bit sooner

i wish i had loved you when we had the time