I mistook preservation for peace, letting them stuff my sorrow with something that would never rot. Was it grief? Love? Or ashes that never forgot the shape of a flame?

Not only that, but I mistook their volcanic lullabies for a hush between my thoughts. I thought I was safe with the warmth, the laughter, the pain—but now? I seem to let them siphon out the color that resides in my memories—they are now dulled.

Dulled with quiet chaos. They muted me with jagged restraints, painted me. Trying to sculpt me into something more pleasing, more fitting for a shelf high above ground. Something they choose to ‘approve’ of.

They wanted me to be perfect, be like them, and be still. Be still as they hacked off parts of me that I would never get back, and parts of me that made me, me. But I was never going to be able to be myself. I was never going to be still—only silenced.

_I was simply paused mid-scream. _

I was paused as the sound congealed itself in my throat. Made a room for the almost-words to pierce my skin from underneath, almost killing me in the process. They stayed, but never paid me any rent. They were squatters, never contributing.

I soon began to wonder if this is all I will ever be? Am I something to use? Or maybe I’m forgotten memories that are pushed too far back? Or are they ripped out at the seams, one stitch at a time?

I can’t stand it anymore. The longing aches in my chest, clogging my airways. I can’t breathe. I can’t sit still. My hands shake out of sync with the way my heart beats.

_What do I do?_

They say, _‘Out of sight and out of mind.’_ Right? But why do you never seem to leave mine?

The cure came stitched with smiles that never cracked, glass eyes that never closed. It was always staring at something. The needles hummed beneath my ribs, sewing silences into the shapes of animals. Every stitch was a hush. Every hush was a warning. And every warning was one I’d ignore.

And yet, solace seemed to comfort me. Comfort me like warm hands pressing down onto the desk just enough to stop the shaking. Stop the silence that seemed to grow louder every day. Like I was slowly forgetting I had a voice to begin with.