I remember the body, the blood against the tarmac, the skidding of tires, the crunch of metal against bone. The screams as I begged to go back, begged to call the hospital and not leave her there, bleeding out in the centre of the road. The screams fill my mind as the memories come flooding back.

𝘊𝘳𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘩. 𝘐𝘮 𝘴𝘭𝘢𝘮𝘮𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘢𝘴𝘩𝘣𝘰𝘢𝘳𝘥, 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘣𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘦, 𝘶𝘯𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘦. "𝘛𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘢𝘴!" 𝘐 𝘴𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘮, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘮 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘴. "𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘵,𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘵,𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘵." 𝘩𝘦 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱𝘴 𝘰𝘯 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩. 𝘐 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘳, 𝘢 𝘴𝘱𝘳𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘭𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘮𝘦. 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩, 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘦. "𝘛𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘢𝘴!" 𝘐 𝘴𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘮, "𝘞𝘦 𝘩𝘪𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘸𝘦 𝘩𝘪𝘵 𝘚𝘖𝘔𝘌𝘖𝘕𝘌!" 𝘐 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘵 𝘛𝘰𝘮 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘯𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘮𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘴𝘩𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩. "𝘊𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘵𝘢𝘭 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘯𝘰𝘸!" 𝘐 𝘴𝘰𝘣. 𝘚𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯 𝘛𝘰𝘮𝘴 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘴, 𝘢 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘧𝘢𝘤𝘦. "𝘎𝘌𝘛 𝘐𝘕 𝘛𝘏𝘌 𝘊𝘈𝘙!" 𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘰𝘢𝘳𝘴 𝘢𝘣𝘳𝘶𝘱𝘵𝘭𝘺, 𝘐 𝘫𝘶𝘮𝘱, 𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴 𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘦𝘬𝘴. "𝘞𝘸𝘸..𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵?" 𝘛𝘰𝘮 𝘨𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘦, "𝘎𝘌𝘛 𝘐𝘕 𝘛𝘏𝘌 𝘊𝘈𝘙 𝘕𝘖𝘞." 𝘐 𝘥𝘰 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐𝘮 𝘵𝘰𝘭𝘥, 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘧𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘢𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘢𝘴 𝘸𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺, 𝘥𝘳𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺.

We left her there, to die, to perish and it’s my fault. I swore on my life I would never ever drive again, I wouldn’t allow myself to even touch, or look at a car. She is dead because of me, her family grieved because of me. The thought is sickening. I feel as if I’m drowning, my lungs filling with water until they burst and I can no longer breath. I feel someone put their hand on my shoulder, I jump screaming. It’s Jake, my best friend. “Are you ok?” He asks a concerned look passing across his face. “We don’t have to drive if you don’t want to, we can wal...” I interrupt him, “NO! I mean no, I’ll drive.”

I bite my lip, swallowing the fear, the guilt. Jake’s car is the latest model, all shiny, leather seated and fresh car smelling. I breath in Jake, I breath in the car and the sweet smell of the leather. I can do this. Jake climbs into the passenger seat as I slowly pull out from the driveway.

It’s only when I stop at the first traffic light that the memories come floating back. Hair crusted and mangled with blood, so much blood, blood on my hands, on the white car seats, blood in my mind, blood on my conscience. I can’t breath. I’m drowning in my own guilt. But I can’t come up for air this time. I push down on the peddle, full speed as soon as the lights turn green. I have to get out of this car.

Jake puts his hand on my arm. “Uhm.” He clears his throat, “I think it’s.....best that I drive, your sweating and crying and I don’t want you to get hurt.” I shake my head, grinding my teeth together. My driving is edgy, I hit the corners with such passion that Jake swings around and jerks forward beneath his seat belt.

A few more streets left to go. I turn a corner, shoving Jake right into me. I swear under my breath staring angrily out the window at a girl walking past our car. My heart stops my breath catches in my throat. The entire world pauses and seems to acknowledge the girl strolling across the pavement. I want to scream, to pull my hair out, to cry, to throw myself down beneath a random girls feet. But it wasn’t just a girl, it was the girl we hit 5 years ago.

Finally I loose it, crying, screaming, letting go of the stirring wheel and stomping my feet against the peddles. I watch helplessly as the car swerves out of my control. Once again, as if I’m re-living that night I somehow manage to crash the car, brining Jake and years of guilt trapped memories along with it.