“The blockage I feel is emotional. It is an intellectual shield that protects my heart from being hurt again. It’s a wall I learned to build around my feelings. Everything seems somehow transactional - conditional - and unregistered when it comes to my heart. I have learned to protect it for so long through my intellect that now it feels disconnected. Maybe it’s that I don’t see the value in feelings. Perhaps it’s that I’m shielding myself from being seen, from letting others know me for real or from feeling at all because I don’t see the value in it. I don’t see the value in myself. I’ve been hiding my value so no one can rob me of it again. I’m protecting myself from being vulnerable and intimate because if I let someone in, they might see that I don’t love myself and I don’t see my own value. Or they might see that I feel a supreme lack of value in existence — in life. That I hate life for handing me this bag of shit. I resent this world for mistreating me. I really am gentle, kind and good. But I’ve been hurt and made to believe I’m intolerable, stuck-up and manipulative. i’m sensitive, sure of myself and assertive. Those things are valued only if someone can use them. But I was taken advantage of for them. for being kind I was given cruelty. So I had to become independent. I had no choice but to rely only on myself. Nobody else was there for me, to support my creativity or validate my deep well of feelings. I shut out the world. The well became a wall. So now when people try to get in, it feels like I’m being attacked. It feels like someone’s trying to take away the shield That has kept me safe for so long. The world has never accepted me, and therefore, I have rejected it. I have always been defending myself from this cruel world. With all of my abilities, I have never used them for the offense, for personal gain; never used them for anything but self-preservation, deflection and defense. I haven’t used my powers and strengths to get what I want for myself. I never even considered I could do that. I’ve always used what I know to defend against the vulnerabilities that come with being myself. Too sensitive, too smart - too sure! Either I am not worth anything and that’s why Ive been treated so poorly -or- I’m worth a great deal and THAT is why I have been so mistreated. Which is it? Am I the worst or the best? Either way, out of disrespect or envy, I have had to endure unbelievable pain and humiliation just for being my honest self. No one really wants you to be honest. They just want you to tell them that you love and approve of them. Everyone wants validation. To people like that, the truth is an insult. I was always trying to help. But then I learned I needed to help myself, because no one else was going to care enough to be there for me. So, yes, to keep myself safe and secure, I have created walls of intellect and reason, morality and ethics, and a carefully crafted personality. I know I always seem tough - like I always have it together. I had no choice but to become strong, to be the authority and so maybe a bit too aloof. I had to shield myself! I have learned that to protect my energy I must keep others at a distance and avoid interpersonal entanglements. It’s as if I would prefer not to use my gifts and not to connect with others just in order to feel defended. Keeping myself protected meant keeping myself isolated. I never wanted anyone to see how tender my heart really was, ever again. I wanted everyone to think I was perfect. Because that’s who I had to be. Is it even OK to be flawed? Is it OK to have defects? Is it OK to have those things and still be loved? I don’t know that it is. I have not had that experience. I have a lot of trouble letting people in because I don’t know if I can take the feeling of being like an open wound. Being vulnerable feels like dying. It feels chaotic, naked and fraught. It has always led to judgment, rejection and pain in the past. So I exclude and reject others, emotionally, before they ever have the chance to do the same to me. Sure, I have been traumatized and developed some very effective, if limiting, emotional shields. But now they no longer serve me. They just keep other people out and keep me from reaching my full potential or sharing myself openly. There’s nothing natural about always observing, analyzing and controlling what I expose. My intellect and rationality may be impeding me from experiencing or enjoying my life. Yet I know no other way to approach life but through logic. I just want to learn to love myself and share my genuine personhood with the world. Instead of always feeling like I need to be on guard. It’s as if I once tried being my most open and honest self, and someone slammed the door on my fingers! So I tried again, in good faith, and they kicked me in the shins. I kept trying and trying and every time I thought it was safe to be me, the world wanted to let me know that indeed it was not. That I would never be welcome. And furthermore, that I would be punished for asserting myself or having any confidence in my own uniqueness. It seems anyone who is certain of who they are in this world becomes a threat and others try to tear them down. The problem is, I listened and adapted to those bullies and their taunts so that I could move through the world without sticking out. But that just made me doubt myself. It also made me afraid of being myself in the world. And so I have remained quiet, compliant, and largely hidden from the world as a result. I have shielded my beautiful heart. And it has made me sad, alone, and unwilling to share my true feelings. And that’s the real shame. No one really gets to know how I feel. Including me!”