WRITING OBSTACLE
Brutal. Foolish. Welcome.
Create a character inspired by these three words. You don't have to use them within the writing, but it should be clear which character traits link to these words.
Dakota
He once knew a girl named Dakota.
She was rash—startlingly so. Like the sun piercing through the curtains while you’re trying to sleep. She was never known to tell a lie, in fact, it probably wasn’t possible. Brutally honest comments under her breath were most often heard by the people around her—people who would have to bite their tongue to keep from snickering at her words.
She was foolish, too. At least that’s what her teachers would have said. Spontaneity never seemed to go over well with adults. Written off as irresponsibility and foolishness, her impulsive nature always earned her disapproving looks.
Her smile, however, was the opposite. It wasn’t harsh or startling. It was warm. Like the sun filtering through curtains, waking you up slowly for you to greet the morning. Everyone around her felt welcome—and perhaps that’s the only trait that mattered.
Love it. You captured her character perfectly.
Thank you! <3
Lose the first line - we'll learn her name soon enough. Is sun shining through the curtains “rash?” I'd reconsider that adjective. When I think of something being rash, I think of impulsive, maybe reckless. Why do people laugh at her - is she sarcastic or does she sound stupid? That passage is a little wordy. Here's my take -
Dakota didn't lie. It was not even possible for her. She'd mutter brash comments almost under her breath. If somebody heard, they'd laugh. Her sense of humor was vicious.
The rest is a lot of “telling.” I like where you're going with the character and you're good with metaphors. Try a rewrite, foolishness is easy enough to show with her behavior or speech (as in: she was tipping bulls at 10 years old... Bad example, sorry). Let somebody enjoy watching her smile then your readers can enjoy it, too. Was the sun through the curtains repeated metaphor intentional? Try, “just like that sun filtering through those curtains,” so that readers get the connection.
Sun filtering through curtains can be warming, brightening, annoying, headache enduring, soothing, therapeutic, too much light, detestable, loved, hated, ignored, ... If I were using a metaphor this early in story I would want the juxtaposition between part a and part b to be vivid, unmistakable, using the strongest language to elucidate exactly what you want to say about the character.
But that's just my opinion.
Thanks for the feedback
